life gets in the way.

I’m still here. I’ve been majorly distracted from this blog because of other issues I’ve been working through. But I’m here. And I’m working on getting back to the purpose of this blog. Back on track. Talk soon…

success is scary.

Things have been pretty good lately. I think that’s why I haven’t written. My therapist and I (I go to therapy…have I told you that yet?) decided today that I’m kind of at this plateau in this journey. The way I best described it is…I still wish things were different, but I’m content with the fact that they’re not. Things with B have been so much better…meaning I can see her and walk away without shaking and breathing…huge steps for me. Her birthday was last week and it made me sad that I have messed things up so bad there that it wasn’t even an option to go to her party. I didn’t have the option of course because I’ve made the commitment to “not pursue a friendship.” So things there still suck, but they’re awesome by comparison!

Anyway, regardless, things have been good with her and I kind of use how I feel about her as a barometer for how I’m doing with girls in general. So now that I’m at this “plateau” I have this new sense of fear. I’m scared the other shoe is going to drop. That I’m going to screw up again worse than before. Why do I fear this? Because I’ve been there before.

Summer after my freshmen year of college, I was struggling big time…and I had been for a while. I had developed feelings for my best friend at the time and it was the first time feelings like this had materialized. We’ll call her “C.” Sorry, these girls are not in alphabetical order. Once we both kind of realized what was happening, we sat down and talked about it. She made it quite clear that anything between us was not something she wanted and I think that’s the first time I realized my wants/desires/whatevers were different. “I want to be with this girl. I want to be with girls. Oh God, I think I’m gay.”

Being the super Christian goody-goody girl I was, these feelings didn’t fit into who I thought I should be. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was scared. I was feeling rejected. And I was mad that God did this to me. C, being my best friend, stuck by my side even though it would have been easier to ditch me…so the two of us were kind of on our own to try and handle this. Probably a bad idea, but you’ll learn later that it was actually better than my alternative (my college pastor is a big fat jerk but that’s another story).

I distinctly remember being at church one Wednesday night and it was one of those “lay your burdens at the foot of the cross” type messages. I can see it like it was yesterday. Kneeling there on the concrete floor, tears in my eyes, holding C’s hand while she prayed for me while I begged God to take this burden away. This sounds cheesy but after that time of prayer, I remember the speaker saying something to the effect of “You are free in Christ.” I repeated that and was excited but looking back on it, I’m not surely I truly believed that I was free from this struggle. But I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted so badly for God to just take my cup and let me walk away unharmed.

After all of this though, nothing changed. Nothing. Things still sucked when it came to C. These feelings I had weren’t going away and maybe even growing stronger. I interpreted this as God ignoring my plea. He obviously didn’t care enough about me or my struggles to take it away. So I decided to return the favor. And that’s when I started to drift and turn myself off to Him. I was still involved in church and still had my good days and still tried to overcome these struggles. But, unconsciously, I had already given up. Enter Girl A a…little while later when I was disconnected enough to completely ditch Him all together and jump into a relationship with A. Of course, there’s a story to that too, but another time. But I was off to Lesbianland without really so much as a second thought about God or what He wanted for me.

All of this to say, there was a time when I thought I was good. God was taking care of me. He  snapped His fingers, took this away and I could move on. And then I got in even deeper that I had been to begin with. And while I know that I am in a completely different place with my journey now than then…there’s still a part of me that’s scared to celebrate victory in this. I hate hearing how people are “proud of me” with this. What if they’re wrong? What if I screw up even worse in 6 months? What if I just repeat history here?

I know the differences between then and now. And I know it’s about faith and one day at a time, etc. But it still doesn’t make “success” unscary. So that’s where I am for now. On this plateau…excited that I’ve made it up this far, but terrified there’s another dip ahead that I don’t see and am not prepared for. But hoping for another mountain to climb instead…because I know there’s further to go in this journey. More to learn. More to overcome. More insight to gain.  I just have to get across this plateau. It’s definitely a better view from here than the trench I was in a year ago. And that makes me happy…proud even.

bottle it up.

Note: I wrote this on Friday and just got around to posting it. Procrastinator…remember?

Today was a completely “needleless” day. I wasn’t distracted by B (you don’t mind if I shorten it to B do you?) at all. I felt nice and confident and never overwhelmed by attraction to her. It got me to wondering why today was different. Maybe it was that my day at work was very scattered and busy so I didn’t have any idle time to let my mind wander. Or maybe it was that she hasn’t been in the office the past 2 days. Or maybe it’s just a good day and that means I’m making progress. Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle up the way I feel and whatever makes me feel this way and keep it and open it on a “needles” day.

Now…can I tell you about a not so “needleless” day? Not that it’s that important now but I still feel like I need to get it out.

Tuesday.

There was an event going on Tuesday night for work which B was partially in charge of. I haven’t really seen her around the office lately because of our “cutting off” conversation, but she had to bring over some information about the event Tuesday afternoon. It’s a little hard for me to be this transparent because it’s somewhat embarrassing…but I thought she looked freaking hot. Girls, think Brad Pitt hot. Guys, think Megan Fox hot. OK, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but seriously…hot.

Enter my “Edward” theory. The second I saw her, I let the thought consume me and I tensed up all over to try and fight it off. It didn’t really work. It just made me pretty much worthless. I couldn’t focus. I could barely breathe. And a coherent sentence was out of the question. I could barely get out “bye” when she left.

I immediately sent my best friend my little code word so she could pray for me. Maybe the only thing I did right. And although I know this isn’t what I should do…I tried to control my thoughts. And the more I tried to control my thoughts, the worse they got. And worse they got, the more upset I became with myself that I was even thinking what I was thinking in the first place. Maybe I should’ve re-read my last post about letting Jesus take control instead of trying to do it myself. Ha.

It was the hardest it has been in a long time. I wish I knew what was different about that day too. Maybe it was the emotional stress I was under because of other issues in my life. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t expecting to see her until that night so I hadn’t prepared myself. Maybe it was because she really just looked that good that day (which is something I obviously can’t control. I think she looks good in plain ole’ jeans and a sweatshirt). Anyway, whatever it was…I wish I could bottle that up too. And throw. it. away.

Like I said though, it’s not that important now. Tuesday feels like ages ago because it’s been such a crazy week. But I felt like I needed to share 1 – so I could get it out, which I think helps me dwell less and 2 – because I want you reading to understand what it’s like to struggle through something like this. Maybe you feel the same way about a different issue. It’s nice to know we’re not alone right?

living in the gap.

This morning my pastor talked about how we sometimes use Jesus more as a ticket to heaven rather than a leader for our everyday life. Very interesting stuff and I can’t wait to hear the rest of the messages from this series. Something that struck me was his demonstration of the gap between us and God. Growing up in church, I’ve seen that little illustration a million times. You know, the one where “you” are on one cliff and “God” is on the other and there’s a big gap in between and “however can you reach God with the big gap between you?” Duh…you draw a cross connecting the two cliffs and call it “Jesus.” That, I get. I completely understand that the fall of man separated us from God in a way that we could never earn back on our own, hence Jesus sacrificing Himself for all of us.

That wasn’t the part of the demonstration that struck me. It’s where it went next that made me think.

He flipped around the “you” block to reveal the “current you” and he flipped around the “God” block to reveal the “imagined you.” The “current you” is just that…who you are now…in all your short-comings, faults, stupid decisions, imperfections, etc. The “imagined you” is who you are as God imagined you to be when He spoke you into creation. The “who you are in God’s image” you. And then, of course, there was still the gap.

I had never thought of this before. Sure, I get that Jesus came to connect me and my Father…but He ALSO came to connect the current me to God’s me. He came to bridge the gap between who I would be if I had control and who God wants me to be – a follower of His who glorifies Him in my love. I want to be God’s me.

I feel like Jesus has seemed somewhat missing from this journey I’ve been on. Well, not necessarily missing because I know He never leaves…more like…in the backseat. Obviously God has played a big part in the decisions I’ve made but I know I could invite Him to take control more than I have.

I’m hoping to learn a lot from the next couple of weeks on how to do that. I’m guessing I’ll be living quite possibly all of my life here on this earth in this gap between “current me” and “imagined me.” I know that living in that gap will be much easier with Jesus by my side rather than going at it alone.

needles.

So my best friend is trying very hard to be supportive in all of this, but she’s been hurt very much by all of my lying. We are both trying to move past that part of this story and she is doing her best to pray for me. She’s asked that I let her know when I’m having trouble with Girl B. It’s been very very hard for me to open up when I struggle with it. I’m not sure if it’s almost natural now for me to keep secrets. Or if I hate the idea of becoming vulnerable. Or what. So today, I habitually decided to keep the somewhat debilitating pain I felt when I saw Girl B to myself. Once Best Friend asked me about it, I tried to throw a fit but then realized she was actually asking because she cared and wanted to pray for me. It was a big moment in a very small space.

Anyway, I still cringe a little at the idea of letting Best Friend know when I feel weak. So we decided on a code word today. Something I could randomly throw out there or text without any explanation that means “I’m hurting/struggling/etc. and I want you to pray for me.” I thought of a few and thought I’d share them…

1. Vampire. What? I know. Can you tell I’ve read Twilight? (Only half though, don’t spoil me!) This sounds silly even to me, but I have this theory or idea that I relate to Edward in a very real way. He’s decided to live this “vegetarian” life refusing what he feels like he was made for because he believes in a bigger picture. Hey! Me too. Although, I wouldn’t describe this journey I’m taking as one toward “vegetarianism.” Anyway…I like Twilight too much to connect it to a somewhat negative situation.

2. Girl B. Simple enough right? But what if Girl B goes away or Girl A comes back (you’ll get that story eventually) or Girl C or D or E or just girls in general? So no on that one too.

3. Needles. Why? Because it’s the closest thing I can think of to describe the aforementioned debilitating pain in my heart that attacks out of nowhere. Actually, it feels more like someone is squeezing me from both sides as hard as they can…but that’s not much of a code word. And needles are already no fun so I’m not ruining anything in that respect. So needles it is.

So let me fill you in on my day. Needles. Needles. Everywhere. You know what I mean.

addicted.

Before I get started, I do realize it’s been too long since I’ve last written. Have I mentioned I’m a slight procrastinator? There’s really been no reason I haven’t blogged. I haven’t gotten scared away or anything…just not a whole lot to say (although I’m sure you’d dare to disagree after reading this super long post). I’m trying to be better about blogging more often. More for my sake than anything else.

Ok…so to start, I feel like I need to fill you in on a little background (another thing on my to-do list is fill in my “about” page). I started a new job about a year ago that I was really excited about. My old job wasn’t the healthiest atmosphere for several reasons and I really thought it would be great to have a fresh start. Well…that didn’t last too long. I ended up developing a crush on a co-worker and we became friends and in a stupid but non-regrettable moment (I’ll explain why later), I told her how I felt about her. While she made it quite clear she was not, nor would ever be, interested, she didn’t freak out one bit. I’m not sure why. I believe in His own way, God was protecting me from making a stupid stupid move.

I continued to develop a friendship with this girl (let’s call her…Girl B. Girl A is another story). And as this friendship developed, so did my crush and feelings for her. All of this, meanwhile, I was lying about. As far as the people important to me knew, I wasn’t speaking to her at all. Remember? I’m a liar. Anyway, I tried to convince myself I could handle these feelings on my own. If I tried hard enough, I could squash feelings for Girl B and just be her friend. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. Something about the way she was treating me normally as if I’d never told her anything was really cool to me.

There was even a point when I mentioned something about church or God and she said “Maybe God is using you to get to me.” Seriously? I’ve basically been trying to pick you up, which is not usually associated with God’s work, and you still think God can use me??? There was something very powerful about that to me. The idea that God could still use me for His glory made me all the sudden feel like I wasn’t this outcast to Him – that I was still His and He valued my impact on another person’s life. And that’s why I don’t regret telling Girl B. Although, I still stand by the fact that it would’ve been smarter not to.

I’ve decided that this friendship with Girl B is not healthy for me right now so I’ve kind of cut things off. This is a decision I fought against for a long time. 1 – because I had a very bad experience of “fleeing from temptation” and happen to be more bitter about it than I thought. 2 – because Girl B is a good friend and genuinely good person. And 3 – Girl B is kind of my last connection to the gay lifestyle I had decided I wanted a while ago.”Deserting” her was kind of representative of leaving girls all together and that’s still a tough subject for me some days.

I haven’t cut Girl B out of my life completely. That’s pretty hard to do considering we do still work together. But I’ve halted all efforts to continue to get to know her. We talked about this and she understands and wants me to do what’s best for me. And while secretly I want her to fight for me (fantasy world), I knew that would be the exact response I’d get from her. She’s a very cool girl and one day we’ll be just regular plain old boring friends.

This whole situation and being attracted to girls in general makes me feel like an addict sometimes. In the almost 2 weeks since I “cut things off” (I still haven’t decided what to call it), I’ve wanted to freaking bang my head into the wall about 85% of the time. I seriously feel like I’m going through withdrawals. It seriously takes a very very conscious and concentrated and continuous effort NOT to talk to Girl B. Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just let it go? Why does it feel like I can’t think of anything else but talking to her? I feel quite foolish. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control myself. I feel like an addict.

I’m not questioning my decision to stop talking to Girl B. I’m good with that. I still think it sucks but I think it’s best for now. Just to be clear.

I’ve been doing some thinking about this and trying to see it from a different perspective. I’ve been focusing so much on this one little battle that I’m forgetting there’s a bigger war to be fought. I’m frustrated because I feel so weak, but it’s in my weakness that He is strong. I’m pissed that I can’t control myself, but it’s not my job to control. It’s my job to bow down and hand over my burdens. These are easy things to type. They are harder to do. But I’m working on it.

I’ve been clutching to these words a friend told me last week. “One easy step toward what is not right today is two more painful steps you’ll have to take tomorrow.” When I want to take that one step toward Girl B, I must take that step toward my God who has His arms out waiting for me. Somedays it’s a teeny-tiny miniscule step, but as long as it’s toward Him, it’s a good day.

this is not pretty.

I never get headaches. But I’ve had one for the past 2 days and I think it’s from reading a whole lot of different ideas and comments and judgments. Every part of me wants to wrap the rest of my posts in a pretty little bow so you think I have it together and stop telling me what to think or not think…what to feel or not feel.

But I started this blog to document my battle through what I believe to be a struggle. So I will continue to be vulnerable.

Yesterday sucked and I hated most of it. I had a serious moment of weakness that I didn’t want to end and that feeling of someone squishing the life out of my chest attacked. It hurt. Physically hurt. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had invited all of this outside pressure on myself. So I cried and blasted Brooke Fraser as loud as it would go and I tried to breathe and I tried to pray.

No pretty or clever wrap-up to this one. Just a sucky day and the therapy of getting it out of my system and into words.

why ask why

I had planned on posting my whole story next, but it still feels like a daunting task and I also feel like I need to expound on Anne’s post. Before I do, I’d like to say thanks for all of the comments on my blog and Anne’s. I didn’t know what to expect by putting my story out there and I appreciate all of the encouragement and comments. It was very intriguing to read them all.

Now, back to asking why. I am not trying to decide if being gay is right or wrong. I’ve already decided that it’s not right for my life. I place no judgment on people who have chosen otherwise, but I’m past the step of deciding if it’s right or wrong. I’ve made the decision to do what I feel what God wants for my life and that is to not pursue a gay lifestyle. Choosing this was a hard choice and I am fully aware that it will not be easy, considering how naturally these feelings come.

In my struggles against these feelings, I felt like I was missing something. Something wasn’t clicking for me and I didn’t know what it was. This is when I had the conversation with Anne. “I know God says marriage is for man and woman. But why does He say that?”

I’ve always considered myself a very logical person and that’s what I usually use to explain restrictions or boundaries in life. Why do I have to look both ways before I cross the street? Because I need to see if it’s clear so I don’t get hit. That’s logical. Why not commit adultery? Because it damages the intimacy within a marriage. Makes sense. Also, I’ve grown up in a Baptist church my whole life and I feel like if I don’t ask “why” to some questions, I’ll be depending on what I was taught in Sunday School and not forming my own faith with my own discoveries and opinions. So I was wondering if I was missing the logic in why God says not to live a gay lifestyle (and yes, that’s what I believe but you are free to disagree).

I was prepared to hear the answer “because He says so.” And in that case, my next question was “how do I develop the kind of faith it takes to accept that?” And I feel like that’s the question I have to answer now. Even with all of the wisdom and discussion and references I’ve read over the past 3 days, the best answer I have is simply “because God says so.” Honestly, I feel like if there were a real answer to “why” I would have found it by now. But sometimes you have to ask why to figure out you don’t need to ask.

Now that I feel like I’ve written too much and not sure I answered why I asked why, I’ll conclude with this. I believe (even more firmly now) that there will be seasons in our life when we won’t know the answers. And there’s a possibility we will never know. But that’s when blind faith comes in. Blind faith is not easy but continuing to walk forward in that blind faith is necessary. Blind faith is hard. Sometimes it sounds to me a lot like ignorance. And it’s really hard to focus on blind faith when I can actually see the hot girl in front of me. (that’s my idea of a joke. ha.) Seriously, though, I think I got my answer and that answer is “We don’t know. It’s a sin because God said so.” I’m learning to trust God enough to be content with that.

Becoming Israel

I am a liar…a really good one actually. I’ve had a lot of practice. For the past 8 years, I’ve played the role of goody-goody church girl with no real problems. Back that up…make that the goody-goody straight church girl. I’ve been on quite a journey in the past 8 years. Sneaking around, hiding secrets, etc. But it’s the journey that I am on now that brings this blog to fruition…I am becoming Israel.

Jacob was a deceiver, a really good liar and a schemer. Once Jacob was alone with himself – to face who he really was – he wrestled with God (or an angel of God) and finally admitted who he was – Jacob the deceiver. God then blessed him and said “Your name will no longer be Jacob. It is now Israel, because you have struggled with both God and men and have won.”

This is my journey of wrestling with God. I’m wrestling with Him because I don’t understand why He says what He does. About a year ago, I decided the gay lifestyle is not what God wants for me. My only reason in believing this, honestly, is because the Bible says God made marriage between a man and a woman. I can’t wiggle or justify my way around that. Believe me, I’ve tried. I wanted so badly for God to accept me as who I was (am? thought I was? there are still a lot of unanswered questions…) and let me love who I loved. Was there really any harm in it? I’m not sure I know the answer to that today but all I do know is that I’ve heard my God who (contrary to popular belief) does, in fact, love me right where I am tell me He has more for me. What that “more” is, I don’t know, but I’m determined to find out and I’m wrestling with God until I do.

A little background is in order but I can’t get it out right now. I feel like it’s so important to get out. Really, how many gay girls get back into church and decide they shouldn’t be gay but don’t know why for sure, right? My guess is that there are more girls – in church or not – struggling with “the gay thing” than I think but certainly don’t know about. But my other guess is that they are exactly where I’ve been…terrified they are the only ones dealing with this and nobody to talk to or understand. So come back for the rest of the story…I have no idea what will come of it, but I know God has work to do here.