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I never get headaches. But I’ve had one for the past 2 days and I think it’s from reading a whole lot of different ideas and comments and judgments. Every part of me wants to wrap the rest of my posts in a pretty little bow so you think I have it together and stop telling me what to think or not think…what to feel or not feel.
But I started this blog to document my battle through what I believe to be a struggle. So I will continue to be vulnerable.
Yesterday sucked and I hated most of it. I had a serious moment of weakness that I didn’t want to end and that feeling of someone squishing the life out of my chest attacked. It hurt. Physically hurt. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had invited all of this outside pressure on myself. So I cried and blasted Brooke Fraser as loud as it would go and I tried to breathe and I tried to pray.
No pretty or clever wrap-up to this one. Just a sucky day and the therapy of getting it out of my system and into words.
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I had planned on posting my whole story next, but it still feels like a daunting task and I also feel like I need to expound on Anne’s post. Before I do, I’d like to say thanks for all of the comments on my blog and Anne’s. I didn’t know what to expect by putting my story out there and I appreciate all of the encouragement and comments. It was very intriguing to read them all.
Now, back to asking why. I am not trying to decide if being gay is right or wrong. I’ve already decided that it’s not right for my life. I place no judgment on people who have chosen otherwise, but I’m past the step of deciding if it’s right or wrong. I’ve made the decision to do what I feel what God wants for my life and that is to not pursue a gay lifestyle. Choosing this was a hard choice and I am fully aware that it will not be easy, considering how naturally these feelings come.
In my struggles against these feelings, I felt like I was missing something. Something wasn’t clicking for me and I didn’t know what it was. This is when I had the conversation with Anne. “I know God says marriage is for man and woman. But why does He say that?”
I’ve always considered myself a very logical person and that’s what I usually use to explain restrictions or boundaries in life. Why do I have to look both ways before I cross the street? Because I need to see if it’s clear so I don’t get hit. That’s logical. Why not commit adultery? Because it damages the intimacy within a marriage. Makes sense. Also, I’ve grown up in a Baptist church my whole life and I feel like if I don’t ask “why” to some questions, I’ll be depending on what I was taught in Sunday School and not forming my own faith with my own discoveries and opinions. So I was wondering if I was missing the logic in why God says not to live a gay lifestyle (and yes, that’s what I believe but you are free to disagree).
I was prepared to hear the answer “because He says so.” And in that case, my next question was “how do I develop the kind of faith it takes to accept that?” And I feel like that’s the question I have to answer now. Even with all of the wisdom and discussion and references I’ve read over the past 3 days, the best answer I have is simply “because God says so.” Honestly, I feel like if there were a real answer to “why” I would have found it by now. But sometimes you have to ask why to figure out you don’t need to ask.
Now that I feel like I’ve written too much and not sure I answered why I asked why, I’ll conclude with this. I believe (even more firmly now) that there will be seasons in our life when we won’t know the answers. And there’s a possibility we will never know. But that’s when blind faith comes in. Blind faith is not easy but continuing to walk forward in that blind faith is necessary. Blind faith is hard. Sometimes it sounds to me a lot like ignorance. And it’s really hard to focus on blind faith when I can actually see the hot girl in front of me. (that’s my idea of a joke. ha.) Seriously, though, I think I got my answer and that answer is “We don’t know. It’s a sin because God said so.” I’m learning to trust God enough to be content with that.
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I am a liar…a really good one actually. I’ve had a lot of practice. For the past 8 years, I’ve played the role of goody-goody church girl with no real problems. Back that up…make that the goody-goody straight church girl. I’ve been on quite a journey in the past 8 years. Sneaking around, hiding secrets, etc. But it’s the journey that I am on now that brings this blog to fruition…I am becoming Israel.
Jacob was a deceiver, a really good liar and a schemer. Once Jacob was alone with himself – to face who he really was – he wrestled with God (or an angel of God) and finally admitted who he was – Jacob the deceiver. God then blessed him and said “Your name will no longer be Jacob. It is now Israel, because you have struggled with both God and men and have won.”
This is my journey of wrestling with God. I’m wrestling with Him because I don’t understand why He says what He does. About a year ago, I decided the gay lifestyle is not what God wants for me. My only reason in believing this, honestly, is because the Bible says God made marriage between a man and a woman. I can’t wiggle or justify my way around that. Believe me, I’ve tried. I wanted so badly for God to accept me as who I was (am? thought I was? there are still a lot of unanswered questions…) and let me love who I loved. Was there really any harm in it? I’m not sure I know the answer to that today but all I do know is that I’ve heard my God who (contrary to popular belief) does, in fact, love me right where I am tell me He has more for me. What that “more” is, I don’t know, but I’m determined to find out and I’m wrestling with God until I do.
A little background is in order but I can’t get it out right now. I feel like it’s so important to get out. Really, how many gay girls get back into church and decide they shouldn’t be gay but don’t know why for sure, right? My guess is that there are more girls – in church or not – struggling with “the gay thing” than I think but certainly don’t know about. But my other guess is that they are exactly where I’ve been…terrified they are the only ones dealing with this and nobody to talk to or understand. So come back for the rest of the story…I have no idea what will come of it, but I know God has work to do here.