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I am a liar…a really good one actually. I’ve had a lot of practice. For the past 8 years, I’ve played the role of goody-goody church girl with no real problems. Back that up…make that the goody-goody straight church girl. I’ve been on quite a journey in the past 8 years. Sneaking around, hiding secrets, etc. But it’s the journey that I am on now that brings this blog to fruition…I am becoming Israel.
Jacob was a deceiver, a really good liar and a schemer. Once Jacob was alone with himself – to face who he really was – he wrestled with God (or an angel of God) and finally admitted who he was – Jacob the deceiver. God then blessed him and said “Your name will no longer be Jacob. It is now Israel, because you have struggled with both God and men and have won.”
This is my journey of wrestling with God. I’m wrestling with Him because I don’t understand why He says what He does. About a year ago, I decided the gay lifestyle is not what God wants for me. My only reason in believing this, honestly, is because the Bible says God made marriage between a man and a woman. I can’t wiggle or justify my way around that. Believe me, I’ve tried. I wanted so badly for God to accept me as who I was (am? thought I was? there are still a lot of unanswered questions…) and let me love who I loved. Was there really any harm in it? I’m not sure I know the answer to that today but all I do know is that I’ve heard my God who (contrary to popular belief) does, in fact, love me right where I am tell me He has more for me. What that “more” is, I don’t know, but I’m determined to find out and I’m wrestling with God until I do.
A little background is in order but I can’t get it out right now. I feel like it’s so important to get out. Really, how many gay girls get back into church and decide they shouldn’t be gay but don’t know why for sure, right? My guess is that there are more girls – in church or not – struggling with “the gay thing” than I think but certainly don’t know about. But my other guess is that they are exactly where I’ve been…terrified they are the only ones dealing with this and nobody to talk to or understand. So come back for the rest of the story…I have no idea what will come of it, but I know God has work to do here.
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