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I had planned on posting my whole story next, but it still feels like a daunting task and I also feel like I need to expound on Anne’s post. Before I do, I’d like to say thanks for all of the comments on my blog and Anne’s. I didn’t know what to expect by putting my story out there and I appreciate all of the encouragement and comments. It was very intriguing to read them all.
Now, back to asking why. I am not trying to decide if being gay is right or wrong. I’ve already decided that it’s not right for my life. I place no judgment on people who have chosen otherwise, but I’m past the step of deciding if it’s right or wrong. I’ve made the decision to do what I feel what God wants for my life and that is to not pursue a gay lifestyle. Choosing this was a hard choice and I am fully aware that it will not be easy, considering how naturally these feelings come.
In my struggles against these feelings, I felt like I was missing something. Something wasn’t clicking for me and I didn’t know what it was. This is when I had the conversation with Anne. “I know God says marriage is for man and woman. But why does He say that?”
I’ve always considered myself a very logical person and that’s what I usually use to explain restrictions or boundaries in life. Why do I have to look both ways before I cross the street? Because I need to see if it’s clear so I don’t get hit. That’s logical. Why not commit adultery? Because it damages the intimacy within a marriage. Makes sense. Also, I’ve grown up in a Baptist church my whole life and I feel like if I don’t ask “why” to some questions, I’ll be depending on what I was taught in Sunday School and not forming my own faith with my own discoveries and opinions. So I was wondering if I was missing the logic in why God says not to live a gay lifestyle (and yes, that’s what I believe but you are free to disagree).
I was prepared to hear the answer “because He says so.” And in that case, my next question was “how do I develop the kind of faith it takes to accept that?” And I feel like that’s the question I have to answer now. Even with all of the wisdom and discussion and references I’ve read over the past 3 days, the best answer I have is simply “because God says so.” Honestly, I feel like if there were a real answer to “why” I would have found it by now. But sometimes you have to ask why to figure out you don’t need to ask.
Now that I feel like I’ve written too much and not sure I answered why I asked why, I’ll conclude with this. I believe (even more firmly now) that there will be seasons in our life when we won’t know the answers. And there’s a possibility we will never know. But that’s when blind faith comes in. Blind faith is not easy but continuing to walk forward in that blind faith is necessary. Blind faith is hard. Sometimes it sounds to me a lot like ignorance. And it’s really hard to focus on blind faith when I can actually see the hot girl in front of me. (that’s my idea of a joke. ha.) Seriously, though, I think I got my answer and that answer is “We don’t know. It’s a sin because God said so.” I’m learning to trust God enough to be content with that.
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