becoming israel

this is not pretty.
January 25, 2009, 8:12 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I never get headaches. But I’ve had one for the past 2 days and I think it’s from reading a whole lot of different ideas and comments and judgments. Every part of me wants to wrap the rest of my posts in a pretty little bow so you think I have it together and stop telling me what to think or not think…what to feel or not feel.

But I started this blog to document my battle through what I believe to be a struggle. So I will continue to be vulnerable.

Yesterday sucked and I hated most of it. I had a serious moment of weakness that I didn’t want to end and that feeling of someone squishing the life out of my chest attacked. It hurt. Physically hurt. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had invited all of this outside pressure on myself. So I cried and blasted Brooke Fraser as loud as it would go and I tried to breathe and I tried to pray.

No pretty or clever wrap-up to this one. Just a sucky day and the therapy of getting it out of my system and into words.


21 Comments so far
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Saying a prayer for you right now. One day at a time.

Comment by ashleighcarroll


Because I appreciate your honesty, I hope you appreciate mine: Those days will always be there.

I wish I could sugar coat that but the fact is that we are all broken, each in our own ways and sometimes, well, sometimes we just can’t deal with it. Sometimes we have to throw in our towel and say, “God, you’ve gotta deal with this. God, remind me that you are so much bigger than this.” And sometimes He gives you sunshine. But sometimes He lets you stay in the valley. And it’s not to abandon you by any means, but I think we all need times where we thirst, absolutely thirst for life, for Him, for salvation, for redemption, for His love. It’s painful but no one said it wouldn’t be.

I’m glad you are struggling, wrestling and just to let you know, you’re not in it alone. I’ve seen victory (in my life and others) and I’ve also seen seed trampled by the weight of the world, sheep deceived by the wolves so I look forward to your journey and will definitely pray that He will be glorified in it.

Comment by N.

Somethings life isn’t pretty. Thanks for sharing.

Comment by SolShine7

I too struggle at times with my own sin and depression, and I found through the advice of others that the way back to God is to worship. When I’m feeling furthest from the Lord and when I feel the least like worship is the time that I need it the most. I get out some worship music and just have some time with the Lord.

Perhaps it may work for you, too?

And maybe take a moment to remember the many people – most that you don’t even know who admire you greatly for this. Because of this blog there are currently an untold number of us who are cheering for you! You are a courageous warrior and I will keep you in my prayers.

Comment by CindyK

Sorry your day was a hard one. Will you shoot me an e-mail if you get a chance?
Hope today is MUCH better for you. saying a prayer

Comment by A fellow liar

I’m sorry it’s been so rough. But selfishly I need you to continue with this, I thought I was the only one, and you don’t know the difference it makes to know I’m not. I’d understand if you can’t, Lord knows I don’t seem to have the strength. But if it helps, you are an answered prayer.

Comment by JulieBell

And us…we’re simply here to listen and pray for you….

Comment by becky

you have an honesty i haven’t managed to achieve. and i have friends in similar situations to you, so i’ll be praying for you and them. i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day. the dawn always breaks eventually.

Comment by suz

Damn any pretty bow that stands between honesty and the words you type.


Comment by dewde

Am praying that as you search and seek, you will find what you need.

I read a book called ‘A Taste of Blackberries’, which is told from the point of view of a young child whose best friend died after being stung by bees – not a happy story, I know. But one line in it has always stuck with me…”Sometimes our questions don’t have answers.” I also recently read an interview (and I wish I could remember who it was) and the interviewee said something along the lines of “the answer is in the search”.

Comment by Michelle

As a follow up to my last comment – I really hope that I didn’t leave an impression that everything I have ever wondered has eventually turned into understanding because it hasn’t, I think that what you said about not having an answer at the time, but sometimes not knowing this until the journey was brilliant.

I hate days that are miserable, but please don’t let that stop you from being real – it is something that so many people’s souls are just screaming for (including mine). prayin for you

Comment by rlowenfield

I’ll pray for you sis..I came out of the lifestyle as well. I know what you go throught and it can sometimes be daunting. It’s a lonly place to be, if you ever need to talk to someone email me.

Comment by Chico

I feel like nothing I could type here would really help. I have many gay friends, but I cannot truly imagine what it’s like for you. I do know that I would be devistated if I was told that I could not marry my husband, because it was a sin. But I don’t really understand it and won’t pretend to. If I had my way, and if I’m being honest (I guess, if God left it up for me to decide), I don’t think I’d categorize it as sin (in a married relationship). But I guess God didn’t leave it up for me to decide.

I will say this – I honestly see more faith in your three posts than I’ve seen in much of my own life. It is not small.

I’m broken, too. But I pray you will be given an abundance of grace, and even more faith…even when it doesn’t feel good. Even when you feel you are buckling under the weight of it all.

Also, I wanted to punch some of those people who commented on Anne’s post. Not because they had ill intentions (I think they had good intentions), but because I’m an impatient sinner who wants to tell people off a lot. 🙂

Comment by Michaela

Hey I was just reading your blogs there and I’m in exactly the same situation as you and I feel the same way. It is so difficult and to make it worse I’m in love with a woman but just remember that God has a plan for you and this is just ne of the obstacles in your way so just keep praying and trust the Lord I know that’s what i have to do so i will pray for you too.
God bless! =]

Comment by Nadine

Thank-you so much for sharing your journey. My dearest friend is a gay man, and unlike you, he does not know Jesus or even care to. I often struggle with what to say to him in regards to my personal faith. So thank you for your honesty. No answers here, because your questions are ones that I share but you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you pursuit of Christ.

Comment by Sheyenne

God wants you to love and to be loved. He wants you to carry yourself with dignity with the values and beliefs you hold dear. And he wants you to enter in to a loving partnership to do His will.

You can celebrate this capacity to love, or channel that potential into fear, anxiety, and sadness. The capacity to love isn’t something God wants you to struggle with. He would rather you use that energy for making a positive contribution to HIs world.

The first Christians challenged orthodoxy and were derided–martyred even–for it. In 50 or 100 years, Christians who challenged homophobia (for themselves or others) will be heros in the faith.

Comment by JawnBC

I remember lousy days like that, in fact I think most human beings have plenty of them. The funny thing is, I remember the good days more easily and more clearly – maybe I’m just lucky that my unreliable memory isn’t that great at hanging on to rotten memories.
Point taken about those of us far from your situation offering advice on how to think or how to feel – I may be one of the guilty ones as I encouraged you to question the disconnect between who you are and who you think God wants you to be.
I trust that you will find better days, sometimes they’re just a walk away.

Comment by Steven

Thank you so much for your blog and your honesty, It has been an encouragement. I have recently decided to leave my gay lifestyle also and find myself questioning and pursuing answers.

I just keep putting God first. His plan is greater than mine and I feel strength as I draw near to him. Everyday I wake up and take another bold step towards my savior and and another bold step away from the the natural desires I accepted for so long.

Comment by Daniel

you are amazing and beautiful and im sorry you feel like crap.
so the guy i mentioned to you at the conference i am speaking at emailed me and wanted to connect. i told him i was planning on going to his sessions but now i am even more excited because i’ll actually get to sit down and pick his brain some.

if you google marin foundation you will find more about him.

Comment by girlnamedanne

Where did you go? How is the journey?

Comment by N.

Thank you for blog-wrestling.

Comment by Marysol

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