becoming israel

February 23, 2009, 5:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So my best friend is trying very hard to be supportive in all of this, but she’s been hurt very much by all of my lying. We are both trying to move past that part of this story and she is doing her best to pray for me. She’s asked that I let her know when I’m having trouble with Girl B. It’s been very very hard for me to open up when I struggle with it. I’m not sure if it’s almost natural now for me to keep secrets. Or if I hate the idea of becoming vulnerable. Or what. So today, I habitually decided to keep the somewhat debilitating pain I felt when I saw Girl B to myself. Once Best Friend asked me about it, I tried to throw a fit but then realized she was actually asking because she cared and wanted to pray for me. It was a big moment in a very small space.

Anyway, I still cringe a little at the idea of letting Best Friend know when I feel weak. So we decided on a code word today. Something I could randomly throw out there or text without any explanation that means “I’m hurting/struggling/etc. and I want you to pray for me.” I thought of a few and thought I’d share them…

1. Vampire. What? I know. Can you tell I’ve read Twilight? (Only half though, don’t spoil me!) 🙂 This sounds silly even to me, but I have this theory or idea that I relate to Edward in a very real way. He’s decided to live this “vegetarian” life refusing what he feels like he was made for because he believes in a bigger picture. Hey! Me too. Although, I wouldn’t describe this journey I’m taking as one toward “vegetarianism.” Anyway…I like Twilight too much to connect it to a somewhat negative situation.

2. Girl B. Simple enough right? But what if Girl B goes away or Girl A comes back (you’ll get that story eventually) or Girl C or D or E or just girls in general? So no on that one too.

3. Needles. Why? Because it’s the closest thing I can think of to describe the aforementioned debilitating pain in my heart that attacks out of nowhere. Actually, it feels more like someone is squeezing me from both sides as hard as they can…but that’s not much of a code word. And needles are already no fun so I’m not ruining anything in that respect. So needles it is.

So let me fill you in on my day. Needles. Needles. Everywhere. You know what I mean. 😉


February 13, 2009, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Before I get started, I do realize it’s been too long since I’ve last written. Have I mentioned I’m a slight procrastinator? 🙂 There’s really been no reason I haven’t blogged. I haven’t gotten scared away or anything…just not a whole lot to say (although I’m sure you’d dare to disagree after reading this super long post). I’m trying to be better about blogging more often. More for my sake than anything else.

Ok…so to start, I feel like I need to fill you in on a little background (another thing on my to-do list is fill in my “about” page). I started a new job about a year ago that I was really excited about. My old job wasn’t the healthiest atmosphere for several reasons and I really thought it would be great to have a fresh start. Well…that didn’t last too long. I ended up developing a crush on a co-worker and we became friends and in a stupid but non-regrettable moment (I’ll explain why later), I told her how I felt about her. While she made it quite clear she was not, nor would ever be, interested, she didn’t freak out one bit. I’m not sure why. I believe in His own way, God was protecting me from making a stupid stupid move.

I continued to develop a friendship with this girl (let’s call her…Girl B. Girl A is another story). And as this friendship developed, so did my crush and feelings for her. All of this, meanwhile, I was lying about. As far as the people important to me knew, I wasn’t speaking to her at all. Remember? I’m a liar. Anyway, I tried to convince myself I could handle these feelings on my own. If I tried hard enough, I could squash feelings for Girl B and just be her friend. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. Something about the way she was treating me normally as if I’d never told her anything was really cool to me.

There was even a point when I mentioned something about church or God and she said “Maybe God is using you to get to me.” Seriously? I’ve basically been trying to pick you up, which is not usually associated with God’s work, and you still think God can use me??? There was something very powerful about that to me. The idea that God could still use me for His glory made me all the sudden feel like I wasn’t this outcast to Him – that I was still His and He valued my impact on another person’s life. And that’s why I don’t regret telling Girl B. Although, I still stand by the fact that it would’ve been smarter not to. 🙂

I’ve decided that this friendship with Girl B is not healthy for me right now so I’ve kind of cut things off. This is a decision I fought against for a long time. 1 – because I had a very bad experience of “fleeing from temptation” and happen to be more bitter about it than I thought. 2 – because Girl B is a good friend and genuinely good person. And 3 – Girl B is kind of my last connection to the gay lifestyle I had decided I wanted a while ago.”Deserting” her was kind of representative of leaving girls all together and that’s still a tough subject for me some days.

I haven’t cut Girl B out of my life completely. That’s pretty hard to do considering we do still work together. But I’ve halted all efforts to continue to get to know her. We talked about this and she understands and wants me to do what’s best for me. And while secretly I want her to fight for me (fantasy world), I knew that would be the exact response I’d get from her. She’s a very cool girl and one day we’ll be just regular plain old boring friends.

This whole situation and being attracted to girls in general makes me feel like an addict sometimes. In the almost 2 weeks since I “cut things off” (I still haven’t decided what to call it), I’ve wanted to freaking bang my head into the wall about 85% of the time. I seriously feel like I’m going through withdrawals. It seriously takes a very very conscious and concentrated and continuous effort NOT to talk to Girl B. Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just let it go? Why does it feel like I can’t think of anything else but talking to her? I feel quite foolish. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control myself. I feel like an addict.

I’m not questioning my decision to stop talking to Girl B. I’m good with that. I still think it sucks but I think it’s best for now. Just to be clear. 🙂

I’ve been doing some thinking about this and trying to see it from a different perspective. I’ve been focusing so much on this one little battle that I’m forgetting there’s a bigger war to be fought. I’m frustrated because I feel so weak, but it’s in my weakness that He is strong. I’m pissed that I can’t control myself, but it’s not my job to control. It’s my job to bow down and hand over my burdens. These are easy things to type. They are harder to do. But I’m working on it.

I’ve been clutching to these words a friend told me last week. “One easy step toward what is not right today is two more painful steps you’ll have to take tomorrow.” When I want to take that one step toward Girl B, I must take that step toward my God who has His arms out waiting for me. Somedays it’s a teeny-tiny miniscule step, but as long as it’s toward Him, it’s a good day.