becoming israel

February 13, 2009, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Before I get started, I do realize it’s been too long since I’ve last written. Have I mentioned I’m a slight procrastinator? πŸ™‚ There’s really been no reason I haven’t blogged. I haven’t gotten scared away or anything…just not a whole lot to say (although I’m sure you’d dare to disagree after reading this super long post). I’m trying to be better about blogging more often. More for my sake than anything else.

Ok…so to start, I feel like I need to fill you in on a little background (another thing on my to-do list is fill in my “about” page). I started a new job about a year ago that I was really excited about. My old job wasn’t the healthiest atmosphere for several reasons and I really thought it would be great to have a fresh start. Well…that didn’t last too long. I ended up developing a crush on a co-worker and we became friends and in a stupid but non-regrettable moment (I’ll explain why later), I told her how I felt about her. While she made it quite clear she was not, nor would ever be, interested, she didn’t freak out one bit. I’m not sure why. I believe in His own way, God was protecting me from making a stupid stupid move.

I continued to develop a friendship with this girl (let’s call her…Girl B. Girl A is another story). And as this friendship developed, so did my crush and feelings for her. All of this, meanwhile, I was lying about. As far as the people important to me knew, I wasn’t speaking to her at all. Remember? I’m a liar. Anyway, I tried to convince myself I could handle these feelings on my own. If I tried hard enough, I could squash feelings for Girl B and just be her friend. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. Something about the way she was treating me normally as if I’d never told her anything was really cool to me.

There was even a point when I mentioned something about church or God and she said “Maybe God is using you to get to me.” Seriously? I’ve basically been trying to pick you up, which is not usually associated with God’s work, and you still think God can use me??? There was something very powerful about that to me. The idea that God could still use me for His glory made me all the sudden feel like I wasn’t this outcast to Him – that I was still His and He valued my impact on another person’s life. And that’s why I don’t regret telling Girl B. Although, I still stand by the fact that it would’ve been smarter not to. πŸ™‚

I’ve decided that this friendship with Girl B is not healthy for me right now so I’ve kind of cut things off. This is a decision I fought against for a long time. 1 – because I had a very bad experience of “fleeing from temptation” and happen to be more bitter about it than I thought. 2 – because Girl B is a good friend and genuinely good person. And 3 – Girl B is kind of my last connection to the gay lifestyle I had decided I wanted a while ago.”Deserting” her was kind of representative of leaving girls all together and that’s still a tough subject for me some days.

I haven’t cut Girl B out of my life completely. That’s pretty hard to do considering we do still work together. But I’ve halted all efforts to continue to get to know her. We talked about this and she understands and wants me to do what’s best for me. And while secretly I want her to fight for me (fantasy world), I knew that would be the exact response I’d get from her. She’s a very cool girl and one day we’ll be just regular plain old boring friends.

This whole situation and being attracted to girls in general makes me feel like an addict sometimes. In the almost 2 weeks since I “cut things off” (I still haven’t decided what to call it), I’ve wanted to freaking bang my head into the wall about 85% of the time. I seriously feel like I’m going through withdrawals. It seriously takes a very very conscious and concentrated and continuous effort NOT to talk to Girl B. Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just let it go? Why does it feel like I can’t think of anything else but talking to her? I feel quite foolish. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control myself. I feel like an addict.

I’m not questioning my decision to stop talking to Girl B. I’m good with that. I still think it sucks but I think it’s best for now. Just to be clear. πŸ™‚

I’ve been doing some thinking about this and trying to see it from a different perspective. I’ve been focusing so much on this one little battle that I’m forgetting there’s a bigger war to be fought. I’m frustrated because I feel so weak, but it’s in my weakness that He is strong. I’m pissed that I can’t control myself, but it’s not my job to control. It’s my job to bow down and hand over my burdens. These are easy things to type. They are harder to do. But I’m working on it.

I’ve been clutching to these words a friend told me last week. “One easy step toward what is not right today is two more painful steps you’ll have to take tomorrow.” When I want to take that one step toward Girl B, I must take that step toward my God who has His arms out waiting for me. Somedays it’s a teeny-tiny miniscule step, but as long as it’s toward Him, it’s a good day.


12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Bless you for sharing your journey. I’m praying for you.

Comment by Charis

You said: “Somedays it’s a teeny-tiny miniscule step, but as long as it’s toward Him, it’s a good day.”

Yes, you are exactly right! And with each tiny step you are closer to freedom. I too suffered from a different yet very similar addition. I would lay down to sleep and be tormented for hours wanting to get up and act out that addition. I would think of it when I was driving, or working – just everywhere. And it felt like it was drawing me from the belly, from my very core.

But every tiny step made things easier. There were set backs, there still are. But you’ll one day walk in freedom. God bless you with extra grace, strength, and peace.

Comment by CindyK

You could never be an outcast to Him.

And 2 Corinthians 12v9 πŸ™‚

Comment by Beautiful Intellectual

Thanks for sharing. Continue to be brave, even in the small steps.

Comment by SolShine7

Thanks for sharing! It takes phenomenal strength to walk the road you are walking.

Comment by JulieBell

got nuthin…I am totally drawn to people’s stories….love that you are telling yours, heck FINDING yours…..

I read and I pray..the Romans 8:26 kind….just think of becoming israel and pray….

Comment by becky

Your friend sounds like a compassionate and understanding person – just the kind of friend we could all use in our lives. It is unclear whether you have considered that your God may have sent this person into your life to help you.
Some of my best friends have been women (including my wife) and even though I did develop one-sided romantic feelings for many of them it was their friendship that was truly valuable.
Perhaps turning away from others, whatever the reason, is a greater evil than any “sin” you might be concerned about.

Comment by Steven

I don’t really have much to write I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that I am reading and supporting you.

Comment by Summer

You are an inspiration … I’m still coming out of some addictions myself and your courage and faith are really helping. God bless

Comment by rlowenfield

[…] in charge of. I haven’t really seen her around the office lately because of our “cutting off” conversation, but she had to bring over some information about the event Tuesday afternoon. […]

Pingback by bottle it up. « becoming israel

I had a friend who struggles with homosexuality break off a friendship with me. Its been really hard. And has made me question my own sexuality. thank you for being so honest. Its refreshing. its great to see someone fighting the battle.

Comment by evelyn

Jesus once said (paraphrasing) that “(s)he who could be trusted with little could be trusted with much.” I think the point of all of that is that the little things matter. Small steps in stretching your “spiritual muscles” (lame metaphor, I know but go with it) will make you stronger… eventually strong enough to withstand bigger stuff. Keep going.

Comment by M

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