becoming israel

February 23, 2009, 5:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So my best friend is trying very hard to be supportive in all of this, but she’s been hurt very much by all of my lying. We are both trying to move past that part of this story and she is doing her best to pray for me. She’s asked that I let her know when I’m having trouble with Girl B. It’s been very very hard for me to open up when I struggle with it. I’m not sure if it’s almost natural now for me to keep secrets. Or if I hate the idea of becoming vulnerable. Or what. So today, I habitually decided to keep the somewhat debilitating pain I felt when I saw Girl B to myself. Once Best Friend asked me about it, I tried to throw a fit but then realized she was actually asking because she cared and wanted to pray for me. It was a big moment in a very small space.

Anyway, I still cringe a little at the idea of letting Best Friend know when I feel weak. So we decided on a code word today. Something I could randomly throw out there or text without any explanation that means “I’m hurting/struggling/etc. and I want you to pray for me.” I thought of a few and thought I’d share them…

1. Vampire. What? I know. Can you tell I’ve read Twilight? (Only half though, don’t spoil me!) 🙂 This sounds silly even to me, but I have this theory or idea that I relate to Edward in a very real way. He’s decided to live this “vegetarian” life refusing what he feels like he was made for because he believes in a bigger picture. Hey! Me too. Although, I wouldn’t describe this journey I’m taking as one toward “vegetarianism.” Anyway…I like Twilight too much to connect it to a somewhat negative situation.

2. Girl B. Simple enough right? But what if Girl B goes away or Girl A comes back (you’ll get that story eventually) or Girl C or D or E or just girls in general? So no on that one too.

3. Needles. Why? Because it’s the closest thing I can think of to describe the aforementioned debilitating pain in my heart that attacks out of nowhere. Actually, it feels more like someone is squeezing me from both sides as hard as they can…but that’s not much of a code word. And needles are already no fun so I’m not ruining anything in that respect. So needles it is.

So let me fill you in on my day. Needles. Needles. Everywhere. You know what I mean. 😉


5 Comments so far
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Needles or vampires are good, although needles sounds more like a cool code word. Reminds me of the TV show Chuck. He’s cutest non-spy, spy.

Comment by SolShine7

It was a big moment in a very small space.
and you’re comparison to Edward….
I am just praying for you…..simple confident prayers……..confident that sounds arrogant I just mean Romans 8:26 kinds of prayers for a fellow journeyer …..

Comment by becky

“Needles” sounds like a good title for a book about addictions, not just to mind-altering substances but to mind-altering ideas. Since discovering your blog (via an atheist site, ironically enough) I’ve been puzzled as to why you seem to have chosen to make your life into a constant struggle.
I can see the nobility in struggling and triumphing over life-threatening addictions, poor life choices, etc. but I cannot see how denying basic human needs (to love, to be loved) is consistant with a loving God.
It occurs to me that there have been any number of societies in the past (and hopefully in the future) where there would be no need to agonize over your feelings or lie to others. I recall a brief poem I encountered years ago – can’t remember the author or the exact words – but it says a lot about human beings.

“As I was walking along I came across a man who was eating his own heart
and I said to him, why are you eating your own heart?
Because it is bitter, bitter and it is mine.”

Comment by Steven

I have been there… physically hurting so badly over a relationship that it feels like you’ve been run over. It’s so easy to think “if it were right to leave this relationship, it wouldn’t hurt so much.” But sometimes it’s right to leave this relationship AND it hurts SO much.
I know it’s difficult to see through the pain now but once it clears out a little bit it’s so amazing to watch how God walked you through it. He becomes your Girl B… and Girl A. He places himself in the position that you feel you are lacking (companionship) and fills that void, even the romantic one. You are His bride, after all.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 11 – where it talks about all of the people who experienced amazing things because of their faith but my favorite part is:

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Praying for your strength sister.

Comment by Summer

I’ve been where you are, and some days I’m still there. It helps so much to know that other women are struggling too, it makes me feel braver. I agree with your previous post that there are more women in the pews struggling, and I pray that the Church would become a safe place for women to confess. Every time you post you bring that closer to reality. I remember listening to sermons and wishing that someone would just break the silence–start naming the sins that women struggle with beyond vanity and modesty and jealousy and shopping–the REAL stuff that nobody is talking about. Just name it so I don’t have to be the one to say it first!! Thank you for naming it and for letting us walk with you, however virtual a journey it is. You need as many companions as you can get!!! Please contact me if you need to hear someone else’s story–that was, and still is, SO ESSENTIAL to my healing and growth. I couldn’t have kept going without that.

“God has willed that we should seek and find His living Word in the witness of a brother, in the mouth of man. Therefore, the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God’s Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself . . . . He needs his brother man as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation. He needs his brother solely because of Jesus Christ. The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother’s is sure.

And that also clarifies the goal of all Christian community: they meet one another as bringers of the message of salvation.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Life Together

Comment by Kara Thrace

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