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Note: I wrote this on Friday and just got around to posting it. Procrastinator…remember?
Today was a completely “needleless” day. I wasn’t distracted by B (you don’t mind if I shorten it to B do you?) at all. I felt nice and confident and never overwhelmed by attraction to her. It got me to wondering why today was different. Maybe it was that my day at work was very scattered and busy so I didn’t have any idle time to let my mind wander. Or maybe it was that she hasn’t been in the office the past 2 days. Or maybe it’s just a good day and that means I’m making progress. Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle up the way I feel and whatever makes me feel this way and keep it and open it on a “needles” day.
Now…can I tell you about a not so “needleless” day? Not that it’s that important now but I still feel like I need to get it out.
There was an event going on Tuesday night for work which B was partially in charge of. I haven’t really seen her around the office lately because of our “cutting off” conversation, but she had to bring over some information about the event Tuesday afternoon. It’s a little hard for me to be this transparent because it’s somewhat embarrassing…but I thought she looked freaking hot. Girls, think Brad Pitt hot. Guys, think Megan Fox hot. OK, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but seriously…hot.
Enter my “Edward” theory. The second I saw her, I let the thought consume me and I tensed up all over to try and fight it off. It didn’t really work. It just made me pretty much worthless. I couldn’t focus. I could barely breathe. And a coherent sentence was out of the question. I could barely get out “bye” when she left.
I immediately sent my best friend my little code word so she could pray for me. Maybe the only thing I did right. And although I know this isn’t what I should do…I tried to control my thoughts. And the more I tried to control my thoughts, the worse they got. And worse they got, the more upset I became with myself that I was even thinking what I was thinking in the first place. Maybe I should’ve re-read my last post about letting Jesus take control instead of trying to do it myself. Ha.
It was the hardest it has been in a long time. I wish I knew what was different about that day too. Maybe it was the emotional stress I was under because of other issues in my life. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t expecting to see her until that night so I hadn’t prepared myself. Maybe it was because she really just looked that good that day (which is something I obviously can’t control. I think she looks good in plain ole’ jeans and a sweatshirt). Anyway, whatever it was…I wish I could bottle that up too. And throw. it. away.
Like I said though, it’s not that important now. Tuesday feels like ages ago because it’s been such a crazy week. But I felt like I needed to share 1 – so I could get it out, which I think helps me dwell less and 2 – because I want you reading to understand what it’s like to struggle through something like this. Maybe you feel the same way about a different issue. It’s nice to know we’re not alone right?
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This morning my pastor talked about how we sometimes use Jesus more as a ticket to heaven rather than a leader for our everyday life. Very interesting stuff and I can’t wait to hear the rest of the messages from this series. Something that struck me was his demonstration of the gap between us and God. Growing up in church, I’ve seen that little illustration a million times. You know, the one where “you” are on one cliff and “God” is on the other and there’s a big gap in between and “however can you reach God with the big gap between you?” Duh…you draw a cross connecting the two cliffs and call it “Jesus.” That, I get. I completely understand that the fall of man separated us from God in a way that we could never earn back on our own, hence Jesus sacrificing Himself for all of us.
That wasn’t the part of the demonstration that struck me. It’s where it went next that made me think.
He flipped around the “you” block to reveal the “current you” and he flipped around the “God” block to reveal the “imagined you.” The “current you” is just that…who you are now…in all your short-comings, faults, stupid decisions, imperfections, etc. The “imagined you” is who you are as God imagined you to be when He spoke you into creation. The “who you are in God’s image” you. And then, of course, there was still the gap.
I had never thought of this before. Sure, I get that Jesus came to connect me and my Father…but He ALSO came to connect the current me to God’s me. He came to bridge the gap between who I would be if I had control and who God wants me to be – a follower of His who glorifies Him in my love. I want to be God’s me.
I feel like Jesus has seemed somewhat missing from this journey I’ve been on. Well, not necessarily missing because I know He never leaves…more like…in the backseat. Obviously God has played a big part in the decisions I’ve made but I know I could invite Him to take control more than I have.
I’m hoping to learn a lot from the next couple of weeks on how to do that. I’m guessing I’ll be living quite possibly all of my life here on this earth in this gap between “current me” and “imagined me.” I know that living in that gap will be much easier with Jesus by my side rather than going at it alone.