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Note: I wrote this on Friday and just got around to posting it. Procrastinator…remember?
Today was a completely “needleless” day. I wasn’t distracted by B (you don’t mind if I shorten it to B do you?) at all. I felt nice and confident and never overwhelmed by attraction to her. It got me to wondering why today was different. Maybe it was that my day at work was very scattered and busy so I didn’t have any idle time to let my mind wander. Or maybe it was that she hasn’t been in the office the past 2 days. Or maybe it’s just a good day and that means I’m making progress. Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle up the way I feel and whatever makes me feel this way and keep it and open it on a “needles” day.
Now…can I tell you about a not so “needleless” day? Not that it’s that important now but I still feel like I need to get it out.
There was an event going on Tuesday night for work which B was partially in charge of. I haven’t really seen her around the office lately because of our “cutting off” conversation, but she had to bring over some information about the event Tuesday afternoon. It’s a little hard for me to be this transparent because it’s somewhat embarrassing…but I thought she looked freaking hot. Girls, think Brad Pitt hot. Guys, think Megan Fox hot. OK, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but seriously…hot.
Enter my “Edward” theory. The second I saw her, I let the thought consume me and I tensed up all over to try and fight it off. It didn’t really work. It just made me pretty much worthless. I couldn’t focus. I could barely breathe. And a coherent sentence was out of the question. I could barely get out “bye” when she left.
I immediately sent my best friend my little code word so she could pray for me. Maybe the only thing I did right. And although I know this isn’t what I should do…I tried to control my thoughts. And the more I tried to control my thoughts, the worse they got. And worse they got, the more upset I became with myself that I was even thinking what I was thinking in the first place. Maybe I should’ve re-read my last post about letting Jesus take control instead of trying to do it myself. Ha.
It was the hardest it has been in a long time. I wish I knew what was different about that day too. Maybe it was the emotional stress I was under because of other issues in my life. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t expecting to see her until that night so I hadn’t prepared myself. Maybe it was because she really just looked that good that day (which is something I obviously can’t control. I think she looks good in plain ole’ jeans and a sweatshirt). Anyway, whatever it was…I wish I could bottle that up too. And throw. it. away.
Like I said though, it’s not that important now. Tuesday feels like ages ago because it’s been such a crazy week. But I felt like I needed to share 1 – so I could get it out, which I think helps me dwell less and 2 – because I want you reading to understand what it’s like to struggle through something like this. Maybe you feel the same way about a different issue. It’s nice to know we’re not alone right?
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