becoming israel

bottle it up.
March 9, 2009, 10:30 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Note: I wrote this on Friday and just got around to posting it. Procrastinator…remember?

Today was a completely “needleless” day. I wasn’t distracted by B (you don’t mind if I shorten it to B do you?) at all. I felt nice and confident and never overwhelmed by attraction to her. It got me to wondering why today was different. Maybe it was that my day at work was very scattered and busy so I didn’t have any idle time to let my mind wander. Or maybe it was that she hasn’t been in the office the past 2 days. Or maybe it’s just a good day and that means I’m making progress. Whatever it is, I wish I could bottle up the way I feel and whatever makes me feel this way and keep it and open it on a “needles” day.

Now…can I tell you about a not so “needleless” day? Not that it’s that important now but I still feel like I need to get it out.


There was an event going on Tuesday night for work which B was partially in charge of. I haven’t really seen her around the office lately because of our “cutting off” conversation, but she had to bring over some information about the event Tuesday afternoon. It’s a little hard for me to be this transparent because it’s somewhat embarrassing…but I thought she looked freaking hot. Girls, think Brad Pitt hot. Guys, think Megan Fox hot. OK, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but seriously…hot.

Enter my “Edward” theory. The second I saw her, I let the thought consume me and I tensed up all over to try and fight it off. It didn’t really work. It just made me pretty much worthless. I couldn’t focus. I could barely breathe. And a coherent sentence was out of the question. I could barely get out “bye” when she left.

I immediately sent my best friend my little code word so she could pray for me. Maybe the only thing I did right. And although I know this isn’t what I should do…I tried to control my thoughts. And the more I tried to control my thoughts, the worse they got. And worse they got, the more upset I became with myself that I was even thinking what I was thinking in the first place. Maybe I should’ve re-read my last post about letting Jesus take control instead of trying to do it myself. Ha.

It was the hardest it has been in a long time. I wish I knew what was different about that day too. Maybe it was the emotional stress I was under because of other issues in my life. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t expecting to see her until that night so I hadn’t prepared myself. Maybe it was because she really just looked that good that day (which is something I obviously can’t control. I think she looks good in plain ole’ jeans and a sweatshirt). Anyway, whatever it was…I wish I could bottle that up too. And throw. it. away.

Like I said though, it’s not that important now. Tuesday feels like ages ago because it’s been such a crazy week. But I felt like I needed to share 1 – so I could get it out, which I think helps me dwell less and 2 – because I want you reading to understand what it’s like to struggle through something like this. Maybe you feel the same way about a different issue. It’s nice to know we’re not alone right?


7 Comments so far
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Sounds to me like the devil has found a way to get “at” you and is using it to the fullest advantage. I have never dealt with these issues, but he works in the same ways on all of us. I will pray for you!!!

Comment by LeAnn

What is striking to me is that your experiences transcend earthly things like gender. It’s almost as if, or better yet it is exactly if, the fact that you are both women is more of a backdrop upon which the important things play out, and not the important thing itself.

I hope I’m not being offensive, I don’t mean to be.

I am a married man but if I was single and if I would have had those same thoughts about a female coworker that would have been equally dishonorable and disrespectful to my self, the coworker, and (according to my world view) God.

And of course I have been less than honorable with my thoughts. Of course I struggle like men and women do. Of course I am tempted. Surely, you are not alone in these things.

But take heart.

I once read that we cannot control what birds land on our heads, but we can prevent them from building a nest there.


Comment by dewde


That sounds like one of my bad days, there. Except I’m a guy, having similar thoughts about a girl.

Comment by Galen

[…] becoming israel . wrestling with god over homosexuality. Home · About · bottle it up. 9 03 2009. Note: I wrote this on Friday and just got around to posting it. Procrastinator…remember? Today was a completely “needleless” day. …Read More […]

Pingback by What’s Buzzing? » Blog Archive » Bottle it Up. « Becoming Israel

I feel your pain as you struggle to allow Jesus to fight these battles. Letting go of my troubles and giving them to the Lord has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do over the last 3 years, since I decided to follow Christ.

I had depended on my own strength for so long that it was difficult to hand over the battle. I had plenty of reasons that I didn’t want to hand give my problems over to him: I didn’t feel worthy of handing it over – giving my struggle to the Lord. I didn’t want to ‘bother’ him. But no matter how much I struggled to let go, I wasn’t able to give it up until a very dear friend pointed out to me that I was just too prideful to hand over the reigns. And she was right.

I am not saying that this is the reason you are struggling. It may be an altogether different reason. But for me? It was pride.

You’ll find your issue, and when you do handing him the reigns will be easier. The important thing is that you’re working on it. Tiny steps in the right direction is still movement in the right direction. 🙂

Praying with you!!!!

Comment by CindyK

I find this song inspirational: “Not Alone” by Seabird.

If you get a chance to see them in concert it’s totally worth it!

Comment by Karen

Wow! Just found your blog via Anne Jackson’s.

Thanks for your transparency here!

This honestly helps me think a little more clearly about homosexuality and how to love my homosexual brothers and sisters.

If I may be so bold, having just a tiny glimpse into your life (and as a now happily married man who has deeply struggled with pornography in the past), as to suggest two things:

1) At the end of the day, all ‘problems’ (‘I have an alcohol problem’ or ‘I have a lust problem’ or ‘I have a cannot-control-my-mouth problem’) are really WORSHIP problems. Some part of us is worshiping something besides God, and that’s what is fundamentally broken. So, rather than focusing too much on the symptom, I encourage you to focus on Jesus, which will address the real problem. As 1 John says, “When we see Him, we will be like Him.”

2) I encourage you to get and read Tim Keller’s last two books, “The Reason For God” and “Conterfeit Gods”, both of which spread this logic out into several helpful chapters. Both have been VERY helpful to me with regard to thinking rightly about sin.

Comment by Zack

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