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Things have been pretty good lately. I think that’s why I haven’t written. My therapist and I (I go to therapy…have I told you that yet?) decided today that I’m kind of at this plateau in this journey. The way I best described it is…I still wish things were different, but I’m content with the fact that they’re not. Things with B have been so much better…meaning I can see her and walk away without shaking and breathing…huge steps for me. 🙂 Her birthday was last week and it made me sad that I have messed things up so bad there that it wasn’t even an option to go to her party. I didn’t have the option of course because I’ve made the commitment to “not pursue a friendship.” So things there still suck, but they’re awesome by comparison!
Anyway, regardless, things have been good with her and I kind of use how I feel about her as a barometer for how I’m doing with girls in general. So now that I’m at this “plateau” I have this new sense of fear. I’m scared the other shoe is going to drop. That I’m going to screw up again worse than before. Why do I fear this? Because I’ve been there before.
Summer after my freshmen year of college, I was struggling big time…and I had been for a while. I had developed feelings for my best friend at the time and it was the first time feelings like this had materialized. We’ll call her “C.” Sorry, these girls are not in alphabetical order. Once we both kind of realized what was happening, we sat down and talked about it. She made it quite clear that anything between us was not something she wanted and I think that’s the first time I realized my wants/desires/whatevers were different. “I want to be with this girl. I want to be with girls. Oh God, I think I’m gay.”
Being the super Christian goody-goody girl I was, these feelings didn’t fit into who I thought I should be. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was scared. I was feeling rejected. And I was mad that God did this to me. C, being my best friend, stuck by my side even though it would have been easier to ditch me…so the two of us were kind of on our own to try and handle this. Probably a bad idea, but you’ll learn later that it was actually better than my alternative (my college pastor is a big fat jerk but that’s another story).
I distinctly remember being at church one Wednesday night and it was one of those “lay your burdens at the foot of the cross” type messages. I can see it like it was yesterday. Kneeling there on the concrete floor, tears in my eyes, holding C’s hand while she prayed for me while I begged God to take this burden away. This sounds cheesy but after that time of prayer, I remember the speaker saying something to the effect of “You are free in Christ.” I repeated that and was excited but looking back on it, I’m not surely I truly believed that I was free from this struggle. But I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted so badly for God to just take my cup and let me walk away unharmed.
After all of this though, nothing changed. Nothing. Things still sucked when it came to C. These feelings I had weren’t going away and maybe even growing stronger. I interpreted this as God ignoring my plea. He obviously didn’t care enough about me or my struggles to take it away. So I decided to return the favor. And that’s when I started to drift and turn myself off to Him. I was still involved in church and still had my good days and still tried to overcome these struggles. But, unconsciously, I had already given up. Enter Girl A a…little while later when I was disconnected enough to completely ditch Him all together and jump into a relationship with A. Of course, there’s a story to that too, but another time. 🙂 But I was off to Lesbianland without really so much as a second thought about God or what He wanted for me.
All of this to say, there was a time when I thought I was good. God was taking care of me. He snapped His fingers, took this away and I could move on. And then I got in even deeper that I had been to begin with. And while I know that I am in a completely different place with my journey now than then…there’s still a part of me that’s scared to celebrate victory in this. I hate hearing how people are “proud of me” with this. What if they’re wrong? What if I screw up even worse in 6 months? What if I just repeat history here?
I know the differences between then and now. And I know it’s about faith and one day at a time, etc. But it still doesn’t make “success” unscary. So that’s where I am for now. On this plateau…excited that I’ve made it up this far, but terrified there’s another dip ahead that I don’t see and am not prepared for. But hoping for another mountain to climb instead…because I know there’s further to go in this journey. More to learn. More to overcome. More insight to gain. I just have to get across this plateau. It’s definitely a better view from here than the trench I was in a year ago. And that makes me happy…proud even.