becoming israel


success is scary.
April 12, 2009, 7:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Things have been pretty good lately. I think that’s why I haven’t written. My therapist and I (I go to therapy…have I told you that yet?) decided today that I’m kind of at this plateau in this journey. The way I best described it is…I still wish things were different, but I’m content with the fact that they’re not. Things with B have been so much better…meaning I can see her and walk away without shaking and breathing…huge steps for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ Her birthday was last week and it made me sad that I have messed things up so bad there that it wasn’t even an option to go to her party. I didn’t have the option of course because I’ve made the commitment to “not pursue a friendship.” So things there still suck, but they’re awesome by comparison!

Anyway, regardless, things have been good with her and I kind of use how I feel about her as a barometer for how I’m doing with girls in general. So now that I’m at this “plateau” I have this new sense of fear. I’m scared the other shoe is going to drop. That I’m going to screw up again worse than before. Why do I fear this? Because I’ve been there before.

Summer after my freshmen year of college, I was struggling big time…and I had been for a while. I had developed feelings for my best friend at the time and it was the first time feelings like this had materialized. We’ll call her “C.” Sorry, these girls are not in alphabetical order. Once we both kind of realized what was happening, we sat down and talked about it. She made it quite clear that anything between us was not something she wanted and I think that’s the first time I realized my wants/desires/whatevers were different. “I want to be with this girl. I want to be with girls. Oh God, I think I’m gay.”

Being the super Christian goody-goody girl I was, these feelings didn’t fit into who I thought I should be. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was scared. I was feeling rejected. And I was mad that God did this to me. C, being my best friend, stuck by my side even though it would have been easier to ditch me…so the two of us were kind of on our own to try and handle this. Probably a bad idea, but you’ll learn later that it was actually better than my alternative (my college pastor is a big fat jerk but that’s another story).

I distinctly remember being at church one Wednesday night and it was one of those “lay your burdens at the foot of the cross” type messages. I can see it like it was yesterday. Kneeling there on the concrete floor, tears in my eyes, holding C’s hand while she prayed for me while I begged God to take this burden away. This sounds cheesy but after that time of prayer, I remember the speaker saying something to the effect of “You are free in Christ.” I repeated that and was excited but looking back on it, I’m not surely I truly believed that I was free from this struggle. But I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted so badly for God to just take my cup and let me walk away unharmed.

After all of this though, nothing changed. Nothing. Things still sucked when it came to C. These feelings I had weren’t going away and maybe even growing stronger. I interpreted this as God ignoring my plea. He obviously didn’t care enough about me or my struggles to take it away. So I decided to return the favor. And that’s when I started to drift and turn myself off to Him. I was still involved in church and still had my good days and still tried to overcome these struggles. But, unconsciously, I had already given up. Enter Girl A a…little while later when I was disconnected enough to completely ditch Him all together and jump into a relationship with A. Of course, there’s a story to that too, but another time. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I was off to Lesbianland without really so much as a second thought about God or what He wanted for me.

All of this to say, there was a time when I thought I was good. God was taking care of me. Heย  snapped His fingers, took this away and I could move on. And then I got in even deeper that I had been to begin with. And while I know that I am in a completely different place with my journey now than then…there’s still a part of me that’s scared to celebrate victory in this. I hate hearing how people are “proud of me” with this. What if they’re wrong? What if I screw up even worse in 6 months? What if I just repeat history here?

I know the differences between then and now. And I know it’s about faith and one day at a time, etc. But it still doesn’t make “success” unscary. So that’s where I am for now. On this plateau…excited that I’ve made it up this far, but terrified there’s another dip ahead that I don’t see and am not prepared for. But hoping for another mountain to climb instead…because I know there’s further to go in this journey. More to learn. More to overcome. More insight to gain.ย  I just have to get across this plateau. It’s definitely a better view from here than the trench I was in a year ago. And that makes me happy…proud even.

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8 Comments so far
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Hey, I just came across your site today and it has been inspiring. I’m kinda goin through the same thing right now. I just broke up with my gf because i realized the bible is as it is and it says homosexuality is wrong. I have to just have faith that he meant for the bible to reach me (hundreds of years later) with that message, translation error or not. We live together so its been hard. Our lease isnt up for four more months so I’m tryin not to go back to her just to make it easy. But i want to. So keep it up and I’m gonna keep reading. People need to see more stories like yours.

Comment by Sami

I have been where you are. Terrified that if I took too deep of a breath that the horror of my old existence would come back full force. I felt like I was seeing the sun through a clear sky for the first time in years and I was terrified that the darkness would return. Then eventually a rain drop fell. And I made it through somehow. Then another fell, and another. Each time I weathered the storm. And at some point not so long ago I realized that I was standing at the center of a hurricane and I still had peace. I had learned who to lean on.

And the lessons are rough, but never too much for me to bare, and every time I lean even further forward into the arms of the Lord and every time there is more peace.

There have been times where I have slid backwards. But I am always determined to remember how it was before I had the Lord, and the comparison of where I was then to where I am now makes all the difference.

So I guess I just want to say that yes, the other shoe will fall. Then another. And another. And before you know it you’ll be standing on a mound of them, arms raised in victory.

I’m know you don’t like to hear this, but I am proud of you. You remind me of the Apostle Paul, as your post could be paraphrased in a passage just like this:

“For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.”
-The Apostle Paul in 2Corithians 1:8-11

I am praying with you, with great confidence. You are an inspiration to many that you don’t even know.

Comment by CindyK

And I know itโ€™s about faith and one day at a time, etc.

and THAT is so hard to remember…thanks again for writing it all so honestly and well…..

Comment by becky

I know exactly what you feel…but I think the Enemy likes to keep us constantly fearful of the future. There’s nothing you can do about tomorrow, and the Lord doesn’t abide in our tomorrows…His presence is in TODAY.

It sounds like you know these things…just reminding you that it’s all the little victories that lead to Freedom. Keep fighting for the Freedom that is promised you.

Comment by ashleighcarroll

Hang in there. Jesus told us to concentrate on today, so I hope and pray that you will enjoy today!

Comment by Cody

It’s strange, but when you say that you’re happy and proud it makes me feel…sad. The price of this pride and joy seems high indeed – a denial of self, a denial of love, and a terrible fear of somehow disappointing your God.
I’ve seen plenty of comments from folks who offer support, prayers, etc. but where are those who question the cost of your beliefs? It sounds like you’ve had some doubts about your beliefs in the past – have you stopped exploring them?
There just seems to be a lot of misery tied to the notion that God somehow disapproves of same-sex relationships. The idea that an omnipotent being would care what one species in one corner of the cosmos do in their spare time is more than a little ridiculous.

Comment by Steven

My prayer for you is that one day you learn to accept yourself as YOU ARE — a beautiful creature made by the Divine Creator. I have no idea why some well-meaning Christians believe that they can’t accept themselves as they are manifest, but must change. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging and accepting your sexuality.

What I find fascinating is that after your experience on the concrete floor, nothing changed and yet you are unable to see and understand THAT message from the Divine. Why is it so hard to see that the message “you are free in Christ” probably meant you are free to be your true, authentic self, rather than to continue trying to make yourself something you were not born to be, i.e. straight.

I have walked this path with so many dear friends. I have watched them spend years denying their true selves only to be miserable, only to always feel like a failure, always to live on the precipice of what they deem the line of demarcation between success and failure. When they finally stopped and heard the still, small voice of the Divine Creator whispering to them “I made you in my image — just as you are, not as you are trying to be,” they found peace, happiness, love.

My wish for you is that you finally reach a place where you are able to do that and then start writing about that aspect of your journey.

Comment by Hopeful Spirit

I was linked here from flowerdust.net. I saw over there that several people were questioning issues of the male-female model that was laid out in God’s original plan. They were wondering “Is there something specific about the male-female relationship that actually gives insight into God Himself and what he wants for us.”

I have a response to that issue. There is a very famous book now called Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. Most people usually defer to it as a book about the masculine spirit and our walk with God. But John actually covers issues of both genders because its hard to fully understand masculinity unless you understand femininity. That being said, John makes the case that there are distinct characteristics about God that are manifested in the male and female hearts. They are different for reason.

My personal opinion is that you can’t ever have a “complete” marital relationship that will work to full effectiveness if its between same-sex partners. I’m not an expert on this topic at all. But that is my current opinion based on what I’ve learned so far.

But anyway, I highly recommend you read Wild at Heart and possibly the female counterpart book called “Captivating”. Captivating is kind of repetitive/watery in my opinion. My wife actually didn’t like Captivating much but she saw a lot of value in Wild at Heart. I honestly recommend you read Wild At Heart first, but let God lead you – not me. ๐Ÿ™‚

It would be awesome if you’d email me. And make more posts I hope! I would very much like to hear what’s going on with you. email: pha3zme@gmail.com

Comment by Jim Hoo




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