becoming israel

been thinking.
March 23, 2010, 5:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My church is doing a series right now that has really gotten me thinking. If I had to sum up my journey over the past few months or so I’d say that my heart hasn’t really changed (meaning the same-sex attraction hasn’t magically disappeared) but I stand by the fact that God said marriage is between a man and a woman. And while I still feel the same way I always have, I’ve chosen to change the way I react to those feelings.

I still agree with that wholeheartedly and stand beside it. But a theme in the past few messages from my pastor has hit me pretty hard.

God is not glorified by you reluctantly submitting to rules but rather by joyfully submitting to him.

I’ve had to ask myself if this is what I’ve been doing…reluctantly submitting to rules? My answer is yes. I’ve been quietly struggling with the fact that I continue to feel a “spiritual disconnect” in this journey and I think this has something to do with it. I’ve been saying “Here, God. I know the rules and I’m going to abide by them but I’m reserve the joy for myself when I can secretly think of how life would be if you would just let me be gay.”

Problem is, I don’t know where to find the spiritual direction/discipleship to get to the point where I “joyfully submit to him.” The issue of homosexuality feels answerless some days and anything I’ve seen that seeks to offer help comes across incredibly cheesy to a guarded cynic like me. I’m not looking for anybody to “pray away the gay.” I’m looking for somebody to show me how to fall in love with a God who I, quite honestly, resent a little for not showing up how I thought He would show up.

As a result of all of this thinking, I’ve…well…been doing some more thinking. Ha! I’m looking into going to the Exodus Freedom conference in June. I haven’t made up my mind yet but if I register before the end of March, it’s cheaper. I’m not fully convinced I believe in the work of Exodus but at the same time, I wonder what a week of focused attention to the disconnect I feel would do.

So, somewhat against my better judgment, I’m wondering what you (what’s left of my readers) think. Has anybody been to an Exodus conference before? Are there any non-cheesy stories of positive experiences with Exodus? I’d love to hear if so.


5 Comments so far
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I’ve never been to an Exodus Freedom conference, so I can’t give you any opinions on that.

But I just wanted to say that it’s okay to be resentful of God, in fact it’s okay to yell and scream at him. David – most beloved by our Lord and King – used to have a good scream at God from time to time. Just read the Psalms and you’ll soon see he didn’t always agree or understand the works of our Lord. But he did always end those Psalms by saying something like “But I know you love me and I will trust in you.”

Cause he does love you. I have an idea that he is singing over you and my prayer is that you can somehow understand that.

The choice you’re making is one of the will. It’s not an easy choice. I believe the joy will come, but only after you are done wrestling with the Lord. He’s okay with that. You can be okay with it too.

So glad you posted. Your courage and transparency are such an inspiration.

Comment by CindyK

Glad to hear that you’re still thinking. I check your site from time to time in hopes that you’ve reached some resolution between who you are and who you think your God wants you to be. I’ve read a number of posts in other blogs by folks who are actively homosexual but still have a relationship with their God. As I understand it, the Bible is a flawed translation at best and has been modified significantly over the years. Those passages which seem to condemn homosexuality may not be accurate at all. They, like many other passages, are certainly at odds with the all-loving God promoted by most churches. The idea that God would make you as you are and then condemn you is difficult to reconcile with his supposed nature. Do you contend that God wants you to be unhappy?
I would never begrude anyone their right to act contrary to their nature but I fail to see the point. What if you are wrong and at the end of it all a loving God berates you for not being true to yourself?
I’ve lived without faith for over 30 years now and my wife and family know that I’m a good man because I follow my nature, because I accept who I am, not who I think an imaginary being wants me to be.

Comment by Steven

Although, I have not been to an Exodus Freedom Conference I was involved with a program called Living Waters that is an affiliate of Exodus. All I can say is that is was life changing for me and a huge turning point in my own same sex struggles. So despite sometimes Exodus’ “cheesiness” there is something about being with others fighting the same battle and finding freedom in it.
I stumbled upon your blog from a friend’s recommendation and I pray that God will meet you in the midst of standing firm in him as he has me.

Comment by rg

Steven – first of all…I believe differently as you understand. I believe that The Bible is the infallible word of God. I didn’t make the decision I made because God condemns anything. It was the opposite actually. I made the decision because I believe God loves me and wants the best for me. I believe that a life in a homosexual lifestyle is not what He wants for me. However, I will be the first to say I have no place to say whether or not that’s what God wants for anybody else who has the same feelings or struggles as I do. I’m also not saying I’m 100% right but I’m doing what I feel like God is leading me to do and that is all I can do. If I am wrong, however, I believe wholeheartedly that God would not “berate me for not being my true self.” I also believe that being “good” isn’t what life is about and that our “nature” is what got us into this mess in the first place. We are carnal and flawed humans which is why I’m grateful I’m not in charge here. God is anything but imaginary. I see evidence of that every single day and I’m sorry you don’t.

Comment by becomingisrael

Thank you for clarifying your thinking – I probably should have paid more attention to earlier posts. I hope that my comments haven’t offended you as my only intention was to invite you to consider other possibilities. You write that:
“I believe that a life in a homosexual lifestyle is not what He wants for me…I’m also not saying I’m 100% right but I’m doing what I feel like God is leading me to do and that is all I can do.”
I can see your conviction and it sounds like your beliefs are firm but what is your criteria for trusting these feelings? Is it entirely humble to claim to know what God wants for you?
I agree that humans are carnal and flawed but I think that one of our greatest flaws is not realizing that we are responsible for our own lives and happiness. I see evidence every day that the natural world is far more wondrous than any of our contemporary myths.

Comment by Steven

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