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My church is doing a series right now that has really gotten me thinking. If I had to sum up my journey over the past few months or so I’d say that my heart hasn’t really changed (meaning the same-sex attraction hasn’t magically disappeared) but I stand by the fact that God said marriage is between a man and a woman. And while I still feel the same way I always have, I’ve chosen to change the way I react to those feelings.
I still agree with that wholeheartedly and stand beside it. But a theme in the past few messages from my pastor has hit me pretty hard.
God is not glorified by you reluctantly submitting to rules but rather by joyfully submitting to him.
I’ve had to ask myself if this is what I’ve been doing…reluctantly submitting to rules? My answer is yes. I’ve been quietly struggling with the fact that I continue to feel a “spiritual disconnect” in this journey and I think this has something to do with it. I’ve been saying “Here, God. I know the rules and I’m going to abide by them but I’m reserve the joy for myself when I can secretly think of how life would be if you would just let me be gay.”
Problem is, I don’t know where to find the spiritual direction/discipleship to get to the point where I “joyfully submit to him.” The issue of homosexuality feels answerless some days and anything I’ve seen that seeks to offer help comes across incredibly cheesy to a guarded cynic like me. I’m not looking for anybody to “pray away the gay.” I’m looking for somebody to show me how to fall in love with a God who I, quite honestly, resent a little for not showing up how I thought He would show up.
As a result of all of this thinking, I’ve…well…been doing some more thinking. Ha! I’m looking into going to the Exodus Freedom conference in June. I haven’t made up my mind yet but if I register before the end of March, it’s cheaper. I’m not fully convinced I believe in the work of Exodus but at the same time, I wonder what a week of focused attention to the disconnect I feel would do.
So, somewhat against my better judgment, I’m wondering what you (what’s left of my readers) think. Has anybody been to an Exodus conference before? Are there any non-cheesy stories of positive experiences with Exodus? I’d love to hear if so.
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