becoming israel


busy day
April 15, 2010, 5:20 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

For some reason or another, today has been a busy day in the way of conversations and thinking about this. I think it was sparked by the Jennifer Knapp buzz. (If you haven’t seen, she’s a popular Christian artist from several years ago who has confirmed rumors that she’s in a same-sex relationship.) I’ve read several comments about her coming out and it’s unsurprising but still amazing to me how much people go back and forth on this topic.

I had a very good conversation with a friend who has the same beliefs that Jennifer Knapp does – that he feels like he’s finally being who he really is now that he’s freed himself to be in a same-sex relationship. I also had a good conversation with a friend who believes the complete opposite – that God says its wrong and He did not make us to be this way but it’s a choice (however subconscious) that we can change. Having conversations like this and responding to comments on this blog (sometimes I just reply in my head) somehow continues to strengthen my convictions and add more swirling questions at the same time.

Because it’s been a busy day of this type of conversation, I’m about ready to take a break but I felt like something needed to be said. I started this blog to document my struggle through this incredibly complicated, confusing and gray area of my life. I started this blog because I felt (and still do feel) incredibly alone and thought surely someone else felt the same way I did. And if my writing this blog could help one person not feel so alone, then it would be worthy of something. I am still tired of it being unspoken of in church and I hope, in my own little way, I’m helping change that. Regardless of how I feel about Jennifer Knapp’s choices, etc., I do think she’s made a big step in closing that bridge and I am thankful for that.

I did not, however, start this blog to defend my choices or prove anything to anybody. I say this because some of the comments I’ve read have bred a lot of insecurity in posting my struggles. I’m afraid if I post that I’ve had a hard day or am questioning if this is right for me, you will see the crack in my convictions and pounce. Hell, even if you don’t see a crack, you’re still pouncing and attacking. So if I haven’t felt strong or solid, I haven’t posted. Surely, by seeing my lack of posts, you’ll see I haven’t felt very strong or solid this year. I’ve decided that trying to be strong and invincible isn’t going to do me or anyone left who may be getting something out of this any good.

So my message to those of you who like to pounce and attack (shall we call you tigers or kittens?), please stick around if you’d like but I’m not here to hear your negative feedback. I’m all for being fair and seeing the other side. I’ve learned lately that spirited conversation is one way we learn and grow. But I will not be intimidated by your critiques anymore and I hope that I do come across as flawed and imperfect and weak. Because in my weakness, He is strong and it’s a good thing I feel out of control…because I am. He is in control and I’m resting soundly in that.

Stepping off my soapbox now… 🙂

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13 Comments so far
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Please keep talking and processing. You are not alone and you do not have to defend anything. You are saying things I cannot. You are asking questions that I will never ask.
There isn’t much I know for sure but I am feeling more and more that “this” is not a problem with a solution. This is a lifetime of talking to God and trusting HIm everyday. This sucks. I want a solution a cure a miracle. Isn’t our God capable of this?
I am afraid…all the time. I am afraid if I don’t feel “this” I won’t feel anything…

Comment by FierceHope

Thank you so much for posting again! Let me just go on record saying that you are NOT alone in this! I know exactly how you feel. I considered starting a blog of my own, but ultimately decided not to for the exact reasons you mentioned: I was/am so confused about my own experience, that actually committing something in writing and then subjecting it to the critique of the Internet seemed like a losing proposition.

Thank you SO MUCH for being braver than I am! God bless you!

Comment by JulieBelle

Dear Lord I pray that I have not been one of those ‘tigers’ that likes to pounce and attack!!

You are one of my heroes! You have been so transparent and real!

I’m glad that you said and feel:
“But I will not be intimidated by your critiques anymore and I hope that I do come across as flawed and imperfect and weak. Because in my weakness, He is strong and it’s a good thing I feel out of control…because I am. He is in control and I’m resting soundly in that.”

I’m glad because we are all flawed and imperfect and weak. Every single one of us!! It is only when we admit it that the Lord can take over.

If I have ever made you feel intimidated or bad I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness. I admire you so much for your honesty and your courage.

We all struggle with problems, it’s just that what you struggle with has come into the spotlight – probably because not all of us struggle with it. Things like ‘lust’ or ‘avarice’ are not a ‘hot topic’ because 99.9% of us struggle with those things and we don’t like to point fingers at ourselves.

I walk into church every weekend free of finger pointing not because I’m not a sinner – I surely am!! But because my sins are very similar to the person sitting next to me – so they don’t want to point them out.

I guess what I mean to say is that who the heck are we to judge you or anyone? I still curse. I still harbor animosity in my heart. I still lust. I still do a lot of things that clearly my Savior Jesus didn’t do. I’m no better than anyone else.

So I hope that no matter what ANYONE ELSE says to you, you will see yourself through Jesus’ eyes. He loves you and thinks you are beautiful.

And it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else thinks that something is a sin. Stuff like that is between you and the Lord. I just think you’re courageous to be forthcoming about it.

Comment by CindyK

You have definitely not been a “tiger or kitten” 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement. I’m trying to learn to let words of encouragement mean more to me than discouraging ones!

Comment by becomingisrael

LOVE this post. Thank you for continuing to be transparent. The world needs more of that for sure.

Comment by ashleighcarroll

I was thinking of you when I heard about the Jennifer Knapp thing. Mostly, I was just curious about your thoughts on it. But I guess you’re still just trying to figure that out. I really appreciate this blog and how you’re somewhat publicly working through all this.

Comment by Jess W

My thoughts jumped all over the place when I read about Jennifer Knapp. It ranged from speculation to envy to sadness to confidence. Most of all, I think I related to her and her thoughts because I’ve had all of those at one point or another. Just so happens she took a left and I took a right at the fork in the road. I think it boils down to each individual person having to listen to what they feel like God is speaking into their lives. What did you think?

Comment by becomingisrael

I don’t know what to think of the Jennifer Knapp thing. I know it’s making lots of people angry – and there lies the irony. We’re supposed to love, not judge. Jesus would love her – he DOES love her. So, I’m going to keep listening to her music – the stuff I like. 🙂 And I’m going to keep worshiping the Lord. And the two of them can work things out together.

Comment by CindyK

Hi, I just discovered this blog a couple of days ago. And I am completely amazed. As I’ve read over it, I’ve felt like I’ve been reading my own diary or something. Everything you’ve talked about I have fully and I mean 100% related to. I’m trying to overcome being or feeling or whatever anyone wants to call it, gay as well as lying. I feel like I have so much hope and faith sometimes and then I collapse and I lose touch with God. I constantly live in fear of falling again but I’m learning that He always pulls me back in. The reason I’m telling you this is because I almost completely turned my back on God about a week ago and although I have plans to talk about it with my discipler this Saturday I had pretty much lost all hope. And then I found this blog. And the way you feel about this struggle and about God and about your relationships with other girls is exactly what I’ve been feeling. I’m sorry that this is so long, but I really can’t even tell you how amazed I am at the way God works sometimes. I really hope you keep writing, and I hope you keep writing with the whole truth, because it’s really helping me to get through my own struggles. And one more thing you talked about this being something that the church doesn’t talk about and your right and that’s why my church is doing a series called “Elephant in the room” and this Sunday they’re talking about homosexuality. I’m not sure what exactly it’s going to be like but I do know that my pastor is the only one who knows about my struggle (people either know I’m gay or they don’t, but he’s the only one who knows I am but don’t want to be) and he is so helpful and unjudgemental and approaches the subject with scriputal truth but also with the love of God, so I thought you might find it interesting. ylfc.org at the top of the page there’s a link that says listen online or watch online. So if your interested check it out sometime next week. I’m really, really sorry this was so long!

Comment by Sam

Hi Sam. Thanks for your comment. It’s nice to know somebody else feels the same way…which is why I started this blog in the first place. I’m glad you still held on to the hope that you had and I’d love to hear how you’re doing as you go along this journey. I’m glad you found what you needed and I have to tell you that your comment encouraged me in the same way.

Comment by becomingisrael

hey I just stumbled upon this blog tonight and wanted to tell you I’m so glad your doing this. I was a strong christian…. and like model teenager til i came out as being gay… I’m in love with this girl i have been with for 9 months but I know that the bible says it’s wrong, so it makes it hard. I guess what makes it hard is understanding why it is wrong. It doesn’t hurt anybody… it’s two consenting adults… why is it so wrong?? keep posting I’m glad there is someone who understands what i’m going through…

Comment by michelle

Hey, thanks for your openness. I loved reading through your blog, and I can relate to many of the feelings you express.

While I’ve never been in a same-gender relationship, I have been attracted to both women and men for several years. I’ve recently started to wrestle with what this means in the context of following Jesus.

I found an online forum that was really helpful for talking through the hard questions (www.livehope.org) and I’d totally recommend it.

Blessings to you as you navigate the journey.

Comment by Alethia

Alethia – thank you so much for your comment. It’s funny that you mention that forum because I met the women’s leader of Living Hope Ministries at the Exodus Conference and she told us about the site. I haven’t checked it out yet but I am going to. Thanks again!

Comment by becomingisrael




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