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For some reason or another, today has been a busy day in the way of conversations and thinking about this. I think it was sparked by the Jennifer Knapp buzz. (If you haven’t seen, she’s a popular Christian artist from several years ago who has confirmed rumors that she’s in a same-sex relationship.) I’ve read several comments about her coming out and it’s unsurprising but still amazing to me how much people go back and forth on this topic.
I had a very good conversation with a friend who has the same beliefs that Jennifer Knapp does – that he feels like he’s finally being who he really is now that he’s freed himself to be in a same-sex relationship. I also had a good conversation with a friend who believes the complete opposite – that God says its wrong and He did not make us to be this way but it’s a choice (however subconscious) that we can change. Having conversations like this and responding to comments on this blog (sometimes I just reply in my head) somehow continues to strengthen my convictions and add more swirling questions at the same time.
Because it’s been a busy day of this type of conversation, I’m about ready to take a break but I felt like something needed to be said. I started this blog to document my struggle through this incredibly complicated, confusing and gray area of my life. I started this blog because I felt (and still do feel) incredibly alone and thought surely someone else felt the same way I did. And if my writing this blog could help one person not feel so alone, then it would be worthy of something. I am still tired of it being unspoken of in church and I hope, in my own little way, I’m helping change that. Regardless of how I feel about Jennifer Knapp’s choices, etc., I do think she’s made a big step in closing that bridge and I am thankful for that.
I did not, however, start this blog to defend my choices or prove anything to anybody. I say this because some of the comments I’ve read have bred a lot of insecurity in posting my struggles. I’m afraid if I post that I’ve had a hard day or am questioning if this is right for me, you will see the crack in my convictions and pounce. Hell, even if you don’t see a crack, you’re still pouncing and attacking. So if I haven’t felt strong or solid, I haven’t posted. Surely, by seeing my lack of posts, you’ll see I haven’t felt very strong or solid this year. I’ve decided that trying to be strong and invincible isn’t going to do me or anyone left who may be getting something out of this any good.
So my message to those of you who like to pounce and attack (shall we call you tigers or kittens?), please stick around if you’d like but I’m not here to hear your negative feedback. I’m all for being fair and seeing the other side. I’ve learned lately that spirited conversation is one way we learn and grow. But I will not be intimidated by your critiques anymore and I hope that I do come across as flawed and imperfect and weak. Because in my weakness, He is strong and it’s a good thing I feel out of control…because I am. He is in control and I’m resting soundly in that.
Stepping off my soapbox now… 🙂
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