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In the past 3 months, my city flooded, I took on extra responsibility at work because my “manager” left for a new job, I helped plan and work one of the biggest events I’m responsible for at work, we got new interns (and there was a cute one…why does there always have to be a cute one…), I watched a ridiculous number of episodes of Gilmore Girls, two “major celebrities” have come out as lesbians, I found out I’m having another niece, a friend of mine went into the hospital on mandatory bed rest and had a healthy baby boy about 8 weeks later and I spent a great deal of time thinking about, stressing about and hoping for this day.
I’m on a plane right this second on my way to the Exodus Freedom conference in Irvine, CA (random fact…Kelly Clarkson is my favorite artist and she wrote a very emotional song in Irvine. I have to admit I especially relate today). I don’t think I have ever been more anxious about something in my life. I woke up this morning physically shaken. My biggest questions to myself over the past few days have been “what should I expect?” “what happens if temptation is abundant?” “am I really ready for this?” “if I’m really ready for this, why do I feel like I’m doing everything possible to keep a grip on the ‘lesbian’ side of me?”
I’m assuming this anxiety is normal. I’m going into a completely unknown situation completely by myself…not to mention the fact that it’s a highly emotionally charged situation. Still, I’m a ticking time bomb of emotional basketcase proportions at the moment.
My whole life, I’ve done everything in my power to be the one holding it together. Finding out a dark secret about my family and keeping it to myself, being strong for my girlfriend at a time when we were both confused and scared, being at a church and not acting like just sitting in the pew made me feel like a dirty worthless person while the preacher went off on a rant about how being gay is a worse sin than others (yeah that was fun and come to think of it, it was in the past 3 months too).
As this conference approached, I felt myself begin to completely unravel. 3 weeks ago, I would have told you 100% that I was ready and prepared and even looking forward to Exodus and then the closer it got, the more unstable and perhaps even desperate I got to somehow stake claim on my homosexuality. I think I feel like it’s being threatened by going to this conference. As much work as I’ve done and changes I’ve made, I still hold on to this tiny pocket of my life where it’s ok to ignore what I believe and give in to how I’m feeling at that moment.
Selfishly, I don’t want to give that up. It feels good to give in – regardless of what you happen to be giving into. Genuinely, though, and very deep down, I’m glad it’s being threatened. If I’m holding back even a tiny piece of my life from God, I might as well keep the whole thing. I’m not interested in being a “fair-weather follower.” I want to give everything I have to Him, regardless of how uncomfortable or inconvenient it is. I’m sure watching His Son hang on a cross that day was not comfortable or convenient for God…just a guess.
Even with pretty spiritual talk like that, though, I’m still freaking out inside today – struggling to keep it together for the sake of the nice man sleeping in the seat next to me or the little lady in the overly priced snack shop at the airport and I would greatly appreciate your prayers and thoughts. I plan to try and document how each day goes on here but I’m not sure what the schedule will allow. Being able to get this out in print has been therapeutic already so thank you all for taking time to read.
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